As I was composing this post in my head, I wondered if I should post it here... or here or here. Well hey, if it's all about me...?
This is actually about the fear of failure and the expectations we have of ourselves.
I had a knitting experience today and if you know me, knitting is the single analogy for everything in my life.
I was taking a knitting break and making a pair of mittens from a pattern I've been holding onto for a while. I started it with some yarn that I didn't like and then I started them over again after being into them about 5%. Now I'm about 30 % into them with the "right yarn" and I get to this part and I think:
Holy Cr*p, I don't think I know how to do this part. This looks all wrong. I can't do this. I remember that I can't do this!!
Who can't relate to that? Even in the position as mentor to others, this comes up for me often enough. It's like the therapist who has all their own woes and doesn't want others to make the same mistakes, I suppose. I have a good dose of self-esteem going on, but there are those moments. Those quick-as-a-flash times when a choking panic comes over me and I think I haven't a clue about what to do next.
You know what that makes me? Human.
You know what else that makes me? Passionate.
It's my passion for what I do that takes to daily into uncharted territories, in my mentoring, my fiber-arts, my relationships. Wow, that's a relief! I you thought I was just crazy for a minute, didn't you? Ha!
Back to the knitting:
Seven years ago I was at my first really big knitting....uh...convention. I had been knitting for a while and had covered all the basics. I turned around in this huge convention hall and saw all these really well-heeled women showing their cashmere yarn and it was all knit into lace shawls. Cashmere lace? While briefly hyperventilating at all the goodness before me I talked myself down like this:
Melissa, when you are old, like 20 years from now, you will knit cashmere lace. You'll be good enough, you'll be able to afford it and heck, it's something to reach for! No rush, you don't even have to worry yourself with attaining that level of expertise.
It's 6 years later. I now knit cashmere into lace, that is, before I spin it myself. I didn't know I would be able to really knit lace, or become a spinner. None of it. What I've done is let my passion take me on this journey. At any point my fear could have gotten a hold of me. Stopped me in my tracks with some reminder of who I "think" I am.
I am what I do, what I say and what I create, everyday. You are too, but you know, this is all about me....kinda.